There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
spicy snake
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
giddy up Office Depot
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory