God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
You Might Also Like
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt