My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.