I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Love is always patient and kind.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I get distracted pretty eas
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.