moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
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Not even remotely sorry.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.