Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.