[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.