Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
You Might Also Like
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.