Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
This is a whole mood;
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”