roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Solving a traffic jam
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*