HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
reduce, reuse, recycle
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”