Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I thought this was funny lol
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.