If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
You Might Also Like
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
oh my gosh!!
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You learn something every day
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.