The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*