EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Don’t snitch tag.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer