*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
hackers play passwordle
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan