My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking