People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.