My dog after a walk in the woods.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving