I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl