every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
We like the way Dwight thinks
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
no cat here
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.