me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves