interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”