I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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Received some very disappointing news today
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Bless you
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”