Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button