If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon