Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.