Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”