Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys