I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”