Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
You Might Also Like
only 11 steps left
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it