You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
You Might Also Like
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I need to update my racial profile.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.