imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
He died doing what he loved: being alive
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.