Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My spirit animal is fried chicken
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work