[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
You Might Also Like
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Living the best life.. 😊
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.