So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
dutch so unserious
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.