SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
You Might Also Like
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king