In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁