Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U