“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet