‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I can’t wait!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock