NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
You Might Also Like
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Always
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.