Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling