We all have our pet causes.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
wishing you and yours all the best
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.