Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad