Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.