Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
saw this in a dream
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards