“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
three things we don’t talk about
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“You’d better run, egg!”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT