me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Matt Goss
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then