“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I came this close!!!!
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Hot Hot Hot
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.